It was a nice day out, so I took a break from my job at AlterGenTech Industries and went for a stroll on the beautiful grounds outside our building. We were working on a gene therapy to non-surgically enlarge women’s breasts.

Suddenly a little dog the size of a rat started chasing me and barking at me. I was afraid it would bite me! It was like no dog I had ever seen before. It looked like a giant bug, but it was barking like a dog.

I was so scared I ran back into the building but the bug-dog followed me in so I got a shovel and at first I want to try to scare it away but it was really aggressive and whenever I got close enough to hit it, it would back away and snivel but then come back again, the thing was relentless and I was chasing it all over the place.

Eventually I ended up in the big lab room and by then I was so pissed I was really going to wallop this thing but there was a woman there and she yelled at me, “No don’t!” But I figured she was just being a woosie about it. She had boobs that were way too big to be true, no way they grow that big in the wild, she made Dolly Parton look like an ironing board, the girl’s gonna have back problems. But it makes me wonder if she’d been secretly testing our boob enlargement gene therapy on herself, or maybe she was the gene donor for our research, no time to discuss it now. I call her Babs because it seems to annoy her. Anyway, I ignored her pleadings and walloped the bug-dog good and squished it like a bug and bug juice spurted out all over the place.

Babs said, in a British accent she suddenly decided to use, “Oh no, now you’ve really buggered the pooch haven’t you.” I said, “No I squished the pooch.” Then I saw how some of the bug juice had landed on a slug on the floor that someone had stepped on earlier which I can only assume is an indication of the level cleanliness of this so-called lab.

Suddenly the bug juice caused the slug to reanimate itself into a big monster that had smooth moist skin like a giant slug, and it was making this weird mooing and moaning sound and also made a smooshing sound as it moved, and it had antler things that have super creepy eyes on the ends of them. It moved slowly so it was easy to get away from it. Even though it was really big, it seemed less scary to me than bug-dog.

Then this guy with a Scottish accent appeared who looked suspiciously like the captain guy from the movie Jaws. I had no idea where these people were coming from. He had some sort of robot thing that you get into that reminds me of those battle-bot dealies from the movie Avatar except it looked like it was made by Ikea.

Scottie said, “If we’re going to defeat this thing, we’ll need this beauty.” Babs rolled her eyes. But Scottie couldn’t lift the upper part of it onto himself. I asked, “If you can’t even lift half of it how are you going to move around in it?” He said, “It’s motorized.” I suggested, “Then why not use the motorized capability to have it put the top part on for you.” He said, “Good idea.” I turned to Babs and said, “Is this is the guy that’s supposed to save us?” She did her now signature eye roll shoulder shrug.

While Scottie was trying to figure out how to operate the Ikea-Bot, the giant slug was mooing and slowly smooshing towards us. Just then the freight elevator doors flung open and there was this regal looking woman that that looked like Queen Latifa except she has iridescent silvery white skin like an alien or something and was dressed like royalty in a big flowing satin cape and she had this huge lizard monster with her that’s on a leash and she said, “I shall vanquish the Slooogulion monster with my pet Garzailian, his name is Ralphie.” I turned to Babs and mouthed “Ralphie”, she did the eye roll again. Queen White-Tifa had normal sized boobs, but I wondered if she had been testing our product on her pet lizard and that’s why it was so big. It seemed smarter to me to test on a lizard than yourself, but I don’t judge.

Then Queen White-Tifa screamed out, “Release the Garzailian.” and she let the thing go. I asked Babs, “Why did she have to yell release it if she’s the one releasing it, why not just do that?” Another eye roll. The Garzailian ran up to the Slooogulion and began devouring it and I asked Babs, who I suddenly seemed to be friends with, if the slug thing reanimated itself from smashed bug-dog juice, what will happen when it gets eaten by the giant lizard won’t it like somehow turn the giant lizard into some weird chimera between a giant lizard and giant slug and she shook her head and in a very serious tone said, “God only knows my friend, God only knows.” No eye roll this time. She just looked up and shook her head.

After the giant lizard finished eating the giant slug, it belched really loudly and then keeled over dead. For a brief moment we thought we were home free, but this was the time in a crummy B movie where they do the head fake thing where you’re supposed think everything is OK but then something even worse happens.

In this case these tiny squeaky dolls started crawling out of the dead giant lizard’s ass. They look exactly like those squeaky dolls, you know those rubber dolls that you squeeze, and their eyes bulge out and they make a squeaking sound.

I still had the shovel with me so I started whacking them, but they would just squish down and make a squeaking sound then pop back up. Babs said, “Our only hope is to leave the building and seal it.” We ran to the front door, went out and Babs swiped a card through the card lock thing. It made a sound like a motor running. I asked her, “What about Scottie?” She said in a very serious tone, “There’s nothing we can do for him now.” Just then her cell phone rang, and it was Scottie on video call, he finally got the Ikea-bot working and he said the place was filling up with mini-squeakies and they kept glomming onto his windshield, and he would wipe them away with the robot arm and you could tell he was stepping on them because you could hear them squeak every time he moved.

Scottie said not to worry about him, he was making his way to the escape pod. Babs said OK, then hung up, turned to me, and said, “That asshole is toast, the escape pods are disabled in lock down.” Then I asked, “What about Queen White-tifa?” Babs said, “She probably returned to her lair using the freight elevator.” I asked, “She has a lair? Where’s her lair?” Babs replied, “In the dungeon.” I asked, “Which is it a lair or a dungeon?” Babs said, “What’s the difference.” I started to explain that a Dungeon is where you torture people and a Lair is where the evil villain hatches a plot to blow up the world, but Babs interrupted me and said, “The point is, the threat has been contained because the building is sealed.”

It didn’t seem to me like that big of a threat to me, the squeakies seemed kind of adorable but there did seem to be an awful lot of them, so I asked, “What about the toilets? Can the mini-squeakies swim?”

She had a dumb look on her face and for once she didn’t do the eye roll shoulder shrug thing. That started to worried me. Then she said, in that super serious B-Movie tone of voice, “When those things come into contact with human feces, who knows what might happen.”

Stay tuned to the Sci-Hy channel for…The Turd World War.

I picked up the remote and said to my BFF, I dunno, sounds like a shitty movie to me.

She gave me the eye roll reminiscent of big boob Babs. I flipped up the movie synopsis from the streaming service and it said, “Far in the dystopian future, the Earth has been taken over by giant mutant turds the result of genetic engineering designed to non-surgically enlarge women’s breasts gone wrong. Humanity is teetering on the edge of extinction. A group of ninjas on a small, deserted island in the south pacific are trained using the only weapons found to be effective against the giant mutant turds, Laser Num-chucks.”

I turned to my friend and said, “Oh Cool! A Kung-Poo Movie!”

But she was asleep, so I turned the sound down and watched CSPAN with the sound on mute and dozed off.