We’ve all heard the term “universal truths.” What does that even mean? Supposedly it’s things that everyone agrees on. Examples are things like “We are all fallible,” “Life is not entirely good or bad,” “Everything is interconnected,” “Just be yourself and people will like you,” or “Change is constant”, crap like that. Translation, here is some idiotic platitudes some dumbass tells you to try to make you feel better when some fucked-up shit happens.

I don’t think those are universal truths but more like universal lies. When I consider the concept of universal lies, it occurs to me that there are various categories of universal lies.

For example, there are things people tell themselves that we all know are bullshit, but people say anyway. For example, crap like, “Things will be better tomorrow,” “Everyone likes me,” or “If I work harder, I will get better at this.” All of which translates to basically, “I am an insecure dufus, so I lie to myself to hold on one more day.”

Then there are universal lies people tell other people even though no one believes it. Some of the classics are “The check is in the mail,” “I promise I won’t cum in your mouth,” “I’ll only put the head in for a few seconds,” “I’ll respect you in the morning,” or “I’m with HR, and I’m here to help.” All of which translate to, “I’m going to fuck you so hard.”

Then there are universal lies people tell other people about themselves. Some common examples are, “I am so busy…” then they tack on bullshit that fits the occasion, like, “I wish I could go to your party, but I’m just so busy at work,” or “Sorry, I forgot, I’m just so busy with my kids.” Sometimes they change it up and say something like “My plate is so full I can’t help you.” The truth is, when someone says crap like that, the universal translation is, “I don’t like you, I think you suck, so I make up some bullshit excuse so I don’t have to spend one more minute around you if I can avoid it.”

Another category are lies people say about themselves. Examples like classics like “I’ve only slept with X number of people,” where X is some number they pulled out of their ass to try to convince you they’re not a total slut, so it’s ok to fuck raw dog. Or another tired classic, “I just get that magazine for the articles, I don’t care about the pictures.” No translation needed, obviously the dude’s a perv.

Then there’s the category of universal lies that are answers to questions people do not or will not answer honestly. For example, we all know everyone has sharted. You know what a shart is. It’s a portmanteau of shit and fart. That’s where you feel a fart coming and you try to sneak it out BUTTT… (pun intended) a little juicy poop leaks out with it. Hence, you sharted. I have yet to meet anyone who will publicly admit they have sharted. I’m the only living human being on the planet who has never sharted. The rest of you are all liars. Or the other one, “I don’t watch reality TV.” Then later, if you sneak into their house, they’re lying on the couch eating Cheetos and watching the Golden Bachelor or worse, Jersey Shore.

There are probably a million more examples, but my point is, everyone lies, we have all been lied to, and I suspect we have all heard a few of these lies before. Maybe some of you have used one at one time or another.

But it seems like lying has, for some reason, become more prevalent and more accepted than ever before. I’m old enough to remember a time when lying was considered shameful. But now, you go on the internet, and it’s riddled with bullshit. There’s actually a cable channel that spends 24 hours a day spinning nothing but lies, even the name of the channel is a lie because it has the word “news” in it, but it should really be called Fox Lies.

Of course, politicians have always lied, but now the falsehoods flow from their mouths like water from a fire hose, with president ding-a-ling leading the pack. They do it with such impunity and so shamelessly, even when called out. It’s considered completely normal now.

In fact, it seems like lying is just expected, you watch TV and just assume the commercials are lying about their product.

It’s no wonder people concoct all sorts of conspiracy theories, they assume their government is lying about everything, so they are convinced that UFOs are extraterrestrial, the moon landing was faked, vaccines are fake, Chem-trails, the Earth is flat, and all kinds of other weird bullshit.

There used to be universal truths, now there’s just universal lying.o one believes it. Some of the classics are, “The check is in the mail”, “I promise I won’t cum in your mouth”, “I’ll only put the head in for a few seconds”, “I’ll respect you in the morning.” or “I’m with HR, and I’m here to help.” All of which translate to, “I’m going to fuck you.”

But then there are some universal lies people tell other people about themselves. Some common examples are, “I am so busy…” then they tack on whichever bullshit fits the occasion, like, “I wish I could go to your party, but I am just so busy at work”, or “Sorry, I forgot, but I am just so busy with my kids.” Sometimes they change it up, “My plate is really full so I just can’t help you with your assignment.” The truth is, when someone says these things, the universal translation is, “I’m a lazy slob so I’m going to go home and sit around on my fat ass, plus I don’t like you, you suck and I don’t want to spend one more minute around you if I can avoid it, so I make up some bullshit excuse.”

Another category are lies people say about themselves examples like these old classics, “I’ve only slept with X number of people” where X is some number, they pull out of their ass to try to convince you they are not a total slut so it’s ok to fuck without a rubber. Or another tired classic, “I just get that magazine for the articles, I don’t care about the pics.” No translation needed, obviously the dude’s a perv.

Then there’s the category of universal lies that are answers to questions people do not or will not answer honestly. For example, we all know everyone has sharted. You know what a shart is. It’s a portmanteau of shit and fart. That’s where you feel a fart coming and you try to sneak it out BUTTT… (pun intended) a little juicy poop leaks out with it. Hence, you sharted. I have yet to meet anyone who will publicly admit they have sharted. I am the only living human being on the planet who has never sharted. The rest of you are all liars. Or the other one, “I don’t watch reality TV.” Then later, if you snuck into their house they would be laying on the couch eating Cheetos and watching the Golden Bachelor, or worse, Jersey Shore.

There’s probably a million more examples, but my point is, everyone lies, we have all been lied to and I suspect we have all heard one or more of these lies before. Maybe some of you have used one of these at one time or another.

But it seems like lying has, for some reason, become more prevalent and more accepted than ever before in history. I am old enough to remember a time when lying was considered shameful. But now, you go on the internet and it’s riddled with bullshit. And there’s actually cable a news channel that spends 24 hours a day spinning nothing but lies, even the name of the channel is a lie because it has the word news in it but it should really be called Fox Lies.

Politicians have always lied of course, but now the falsehoods flow from their mouths like water from a fire hose, especially president ding-a-ling. And they do it with impunity and so shamelessly, even when it’s pointed out they are not the slightest bit embarrassed about having lied. It’s considered completely normal now.

In fact, it seems like lying is just expected, you watch TV and just assume the commercials are lying about their product.

It’s no wonder people concoct all sort of conspiracy theories, they assume their government is lying about everything so they are convinced that UFO’s are extraterrestrial, the moon landing was faked, vaccines are fake, the Earth is flat, and all kinds of other weird bullshit.

There used to be universal truths, now there’s just universal lying.