My Cousin Danny was my favorite cousin, actually, he was my favorite family member, he was like the brother I never had. Maybe it was because we were the same age and went to the same school, even went to the same college. I had two sisters, one 4 years older and one 8 years younger, and we were never close. But me and Danny bonded. He was what I call a loveable jerk. I mean, he could be a stinker but he was so fun, everyone liked him. I was kind of a geek and he looked out for me, like a brother would. He passed away a couple of years ago from a heart attack and I just started writing about him. I like to write the Danny stories in his voice, imagining him telling his old war stories about back in the day when we were in college. Here’s one of my favorites.

In 1975, I was a freshman at the University of Washington in Seattle. I lived in a dorm the first year, that’s where I met my buddies before we got a house off campus.  The dorm had private rooms but we shared a bathroom with what we called your potty partner. My potty partner was this dude everyone called GEG who later was one of the basement dwellers at the house and those guys grew shrooms down there.

Everyone called him GEG because when he was a kid, his older brother played William Tell with him, put an apple on his head and tried to shoot it with a bow and arrow but instead shot one of his eyes out, so he had a glass eye. His name was Gary, so everyone called him GEG for Glass Eye Gary. One time he asked me why everyone called him Greg.  I didn’t have the heart to tell him, but eventually someone did. He thought it was funny and just went with it.

GEG was a nerd like all of us and even though he was dumb enough to let his brother shoot his eye out, he was a wicked smart engineer. He made this tool, I don’t know how he figured it out, but it was made from a flat piece of aluminum. He would use it to open the elevator doors. The dorm had six stories and just one elevator, we lived on the 6^th floor, when the elevator was on the 5^th floor GEG would open the doors and we would hop on top of the elevator.

There was a maintenance control panel up there that gave us complete control of the elevator, we could start it, stop it, make it go to whatever floor we wanted or turn the lights in the elevator on and off, even say stuff into the speaker, everything.

It was fun to fuck with people in the elevator. We could hear people complaining about the shitty elevator always screwing up, but it was us messing with them. There was this trap door in the ceiling of the elevator that you could only open from above so once we were done screwing with people, we would just open the trap door and drop down into the elevator and waltz out as if nothing had happened.

After a while we got bored and moved on to other mischief. Then one day these two bitches who thought they were all hot shit decided they were going to try to set the world record for spending the longest time in an elevator, they moved a sofa in there and had snacks and blankets and stuff and thought they were being all cute.

Me and GEG and some other guys on our floor decided we needed to fuck them up. Me and GEG got on top of the elevator while our buddies Sam and Craig went to get some water balloons to toss through the hatch. But the rumor of our caper spread through the dorm like wildfire and a bunch of assholes decided to get those big 50-gallon plastic garbage cans from the cafeteria and fill them with water. When Sam and Craig gave us the signal we took the elevator to the fifth floor, turned off the lights, locked the doors so they couldn’t escape and then opened the doors on the sixth floor where we were very surprised to see so many people lined up with big trash cans full of water, they couldn’t wait to dump it on those poor girls.

We opened the trap door, and they started dumping one can after the other. It must have been like 500 gallons of water in there, then some crazy motherfucker tossed a string of firecrackers on top of the elevator, it made a hell of a racket and scared the shit out of the girls, they were screaming like crazy, and they thought the elevator was breaking from the weight of all the water. We were getting sort of worried about that too, so we yelled “Enough!” and shut the trap door and set the control panel to send them to the first floor.

The news of the caper had flown through the dorm and by then there were a bunch people down on the first floor with cameras and even some dude with a movie camera and the whole thing was captured on film as the elevator doors flew open and these poor girls came flowing out like wet rag dolls in a cascading waterfall.

The whole thing was in the newspaper and even on TV, it made the national news like one of those puff pieces with the headline, “University pranksters throw cold water on elevator record attempt”.

It was an epic hack for sure. One of the bitches on the elevator named Carol, everyone called her bubble butt, I wanted me some of that bondonka-donk and when she heard I was the hacker master mind behind it, I was tapping that ass in no time. I guess chicks dig it when you are a dick to them.

The other girl was Kelley, everyone called her Schmelly. She was pissed about it and GEG had a big hard on for her. She didn’t know GEG was in on it, I’m not sure what the deal was with GEG, but no one ever suspected him of anything, maybe the glass eye or something, you never knew which eye to look into. Schmelley asked him if he would help her get back at me and he agreed hoping she would let him fuck her if he helped her dick me over.

I was suspicious so I was locking the bathroom door on my side. When it was time to go down to the cafeteria for dinner, GEG knocked and said, “Hey do you want to go to dinner.”  Then he walked over to the window and tried to act all nonchalant and opened the window to look out and said, looks like it might rain later and closed the window. That seemed really suspicious to me. I looked at him and said, “Are you and Schmelley up to something?” His face turned red. I went and looked, and he had left the window unlocked so I locked it.

On the way down I asked, “Was Schmelley actually going to go out on the ledge to get into my room?” That’s fucking crazy, we were on the 6^th floor! GEG couldn’t keep it a secret anymore and started laughing. He had left his door unlocked for her and she had gone into his room and crawled out on the ledge and was gonna crawl over to my room and go in the unlocked window and fuck up all my stuff. That was her master plan.

I went back and sure enough his door was open, so I went in and saw his window was open so, I knew she must be out on the ledge, I knew my window was locked so I shut his window and locked it so she would be stuck out there.

GEG was freaking out, I assured him that he had a better chance at fucking her if he was a jerk to her, chicks like dudes that are assholes. He said that didn’t make any sense, so I reminded him I was tapping bubble butt after almost drowning her which he already knew because he overheard us, she was a screamer in bed.

We went down to the first floor and went outside and looked up and you could see Schmelley out there on the ledge frozen and hugging the wall. So, we started yelling jump, jump, jump. Pretty soon there were at least a hundred people out there all yelling jump then someone called the cops, the fire department came and the news people. It was crazy how fast it happened. The head Resident dude let the cops into GEG’s room, and they started trying to talk her off the ledge but she didn’t need any persuasion.

At first, they wanted to take her to the booby hatch, but she explained it was a prank gone wrong. GEG went over and backed her up and he took credit for dicking her over like I told him to and so they believed her. About a week later he was drilling her, just like I predicted. They even ended up getting married and having kids and shit.